Hi guys,
I’m thinking of creating my own bishoujo game. Some of the artwork I’ve produced was already discussed here. If you have some time to spare, would you mind giving me some feedback on my writing sample below? In particular, I’m not too sure about the sequence of events in {Flag02 = 0}. Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks.
P.S.: Game title has not yet been decided, but I’m thinking somewhere along the lines of “Love Again”, “Without You”, or “Second Chance”. Any suggestions?
(Roughly the first half of the first chapter)
============== WRITING SAMPLE ==============
[Blank black screen]
"SAKURA!!!"
¬Ö
Deep sigh¬Ö.
I’ve waked up from another nightmare. I thought I could escape the past by moving to a new neighborhood, but the same scene still comes to my dreams every night.
[Tenji’s bedroom, dark]
Hi. My name is Tenji Kawagami, 18 years old. I lost my childhood girlfriend over a year ago, but I still keep thinking about her whether I want to or not.
I can’t change the past now, and I’ve sworn never again to cry for her death.
Still, sometimes it’s easier said than done.
A little trick I’ve discovered is to keep myself busy, to avoid dwelling on sad memories.
It’s only 4:10 AM right now, but to keep myself busy, I guess I’ll start my day early today.
[Blank black screen]
(One hour later¬Ö)
[Tenji’s bedroom, bright]
Well, I’ve brushed my teeth, taken a morning bath, eaten my breakfast, put on my school uniform, tidied up my appearance, and packed my school bag. But it’s still too early to head out for school.
Oh, that’s right, my new school¬Ö.
Today is the first day I’ll be attending Kotobuki High School. I’ve just moved away from my parents to live on my own in this studio apartment.
After I had made my decision, I just packed up and left the place where I grew up, without even saying goodbye to my many childhood friends.
Sigh¬Ö. At any rate, I was so depressed at the time, that I would have been a burden to them, a sad reminder of past events. It was better for me to disappear quietly.
So, I ended up here, to make a clean break from my past, to start a new life making new memories with new friends at Kotobuki High.
At least, that was the plan. The reality is that I am still haunted by the same old memories every night.
Sigh¬Ö.
¬Ö¬Ö¬Ö
¬Ö¬Ö
¬Ö
Huh?
Oh, shit! It’s 7:55 AM! I’m gonna be late for my first day!
I grab my backpack and dash out of the apartment.
[Street]
Normally, the school is a pleasant ten-minute walk from my apartment, which was why I chose that apartment to begin with. But I only have 5 minutes before the start of classes today, which means I need to run twice as fast!
I can’t believe this. I woke up early, but I’m still running late.
I really need to just forget about the past.
Okay, just need to make a left turn here, and I’ll be at Kotobuki’s front gates.
[Blank white screen]
(CRASH!)
[Blank black screen]
Ouch, I must have crashed into someone. I’ve been knocked down onto the ground.
Tenji: “I’m sorry. Are you alright?”
[Rhea knocked down, sitting on ground]
When I open my eyes, I see that another girl has also been knocked down onto the ground.
Girl: "I’m fine."
Wow, she’s pretty. Oh, wow, I can see her panties!
¬Ö
Hey, I just knocked her down! I could have hurt her! How could I be staring at her panties now? Damn it, Tenji, you’re pathetic.
Tenji: "I’m really sorry about that. Umm, my name is Tenji Kawagami, and I belong to class 3-A at Kotobuki. How do you do?"
I stand up, and extend my hand to help her up. But she gets up to her feet on her own.
[Foreground: Rhea standard picture, school uniform, default expression]
[Background: Kotobuki front gates]
Girl: “Rhea Ayami, Kotobuki High, third year, class A. We will be late if we don’t hurry.”
[Kotobuki front gates]
Tenji: "Oh, right!"
But before I could respond, Rhea is gone.
Well, she did say she is in class 3-A, same as myself. Guess I’ll get to see her later.
I wonder if she’s my type. Can’t really tell until I get to learn more about her.
¬Ö
Sigh¬Ö Sakura¬Ö.
¬Ö
Snap out of it, Tenji. Gotta move on, so just¬Ö
[Blank white screen]
(CRASH!)
[Blank black screen]
Tenji: “Shit! What now?”
[Foreground: Tony standard picture, school uniform, eyes fierce, lips yell]
[Background: Kotobuki front gates]
When I looked behind, someone else had knocked me down to the ground this time. He didn’t seem remorseful about it, though.
Boy: "What do you mean, ¬ëWhat now?’ Why the hell would you be just standing around and blocking the way?"
Tenji: "What?! You knocked me down to the ground from behind, and now you give me that kind of an attitude?"
Boy: "You wanna fight?"
The situation rapidly deteriorated from bad to worse. His friend, whom I didn’t even notice at first, stepped in as mediator.
[Foreground left: Tony standard picture, school uniform, eyes fierce, lips yell]
[Foreground right: Kenny standard picture, school uniform, standard expression]
[Background: Kotobuki front gates]
Boy’s friend: "Hey, Tony, we’re late enough as it is. And don’t forget that one-week suspension you received last year for fighting on school grounds. If you guys still want to fight, then just do it after school at Juneclub, OK?"
Tony: "Humph, fine! You there, are you on?"
He’s challenging me to a virtual reality deathmatch game at V.R. Juneclub. Basically, you put on a VR helmet with LCD goggles and surround sound headphones, and try to “kill” your opponents in a computer-simulated battleground.
It just so happens I’m pretty good at these types of videogames. But how should I respond to his challenge?
“Sure, I accept your challenge!” → {Set Flag01 = 1}
“No, I mustn’t waste my time with you.” → {Set Flag01 = 0}
[Foreground left: Tony standard picture, school uniform, eyes fierce, lips smirk]
[Foreground right: Kenny standard picture, school uniform, standard expression]
[Background: Kotobuki front gates]
{If Flag01 = 1
Tony: "Good! We’ll meet you at Juneclub at 4:30 this afternoon."
Tenji: "Umm, wait. I’m new to this area, so I don’t know where the local Juneclub outlet is."
Tony’s friend: "Then why don’t we just meet up here at the front gates after school, and walk over to Juneclub together?"
Tenji: "That’s fine."
Tony: "Hey, just make sure you don’t stand in the way and get run over again!"
Tenji: "I’m gonna get you back for it!"
End Flag01 = 1}
{If Flag01 = 0
Tony: "Well, I knew you were going to wuss out with some lame excuse."
Tenji: "You should also know that a lame insult isn’t going to change my mind."
End Flag01 = 0}
[Kotobuki front gates]
But before I could respond, they have run off.
All in all, not a very auspicious start for my new life.
I mean, it’s the first day of school, and I’ve already managed to run over an innocent girl, then get run over myself by some jerk.
Hmm, maybe it was payback for me staring at Rhea’s panties.
Perhaps I should explain this to Tony?
Yeah, right.
¬Ö¬Ö¬Ö
¬Ö¬Ö
¬Ö
Oh my god! Now I’m not just a little late. I am VERY late!
[Blank black screen]
I run at top speed to my assigned homeroom, 3-A.
I hope I don’t get into another crash today.
(Screech¬Ö)
[Tenji’s classroom]
Sliding sideways, I come to a screeching stop in front of my classroom.
[Foreground: Mizato standard picture, eyes fierce, lips unhappy]
[Background: Tenji’s classroom]
At the front of the class was a beautiful teacher, looking slightly annoyed at my direction.
Damn, she might punish me for being late. What should I say to her?
“Good morning, Sensei. I’m Tenji Kawagami, reporting to class 3-A. It’s a pleasure to have a beautiful homeroom teacher guiding our quest for knowledge.” → {Set Flag02 = 1}
“Good morning, Sensei. I’m Tenji Kawagami, reporting to class 3-A. I deeply regret my shameful tardiness on our first day of school.” → {Set Flag02 = 0}
[Foreground: Mizato standard picture, eyes standard, lips smirk]
[Background: Tenji’s classroom]
{If Flag02 = 1
Teacher: "Are you sure your quest is for knowledge, and not for the love of an older woman you’ve just met?"
At that, it seems like the whole class burst out in laughter and catcalls.
In spite of myself, I can feel myself blushing fiercely.
Damn, all I wanted to do was kiss up to her a little, and get her mind off my late arrival. I didn’t anticipate this sort of public humiliation! But I can’t give in to her now!
Tenji: "Sensei, the term “older woman” does not do justice to your youthful beauty! As our homeroom teacher, it is your duty to help your students discover beauty in all things and all people, not hide it."
Aha, take that, you flirt!
The teacher takes a moment to consider her next move.
In the meantime, the rest of the class is having a ball, enjoying this match of wits. I can feel myself regaining a sense of composure, now that I seem to have stumped her.
Just then, when I expected her to give in, she uses the ultimate female weapon – seduction!
[Foreground: Mizato standard picture, eyes seductive, lips smile]
[Background: Tenji’s classroom]
Teacher: "Well, then, Tenji-kun, since you insist on putting your moves on me, then you will just have to call me by my first name Mizato from now on."
Tenji: "What?!"
Mizato: "I am your homeroom teacher, and even though you have an obvious crush on me, I tend to give low grades to students who fail to follow my instructions. Do you understand, Tenji-kun?"
Even though she spoke in a low, sexy voice, the veiled threat behind her words came through loud and clear. I guess I have no choice but to obey her for now.
Tenji: “Yes, Mizato.”
[Foreground: Mizato standard picture, eyes standard, lips smile]
[Background: Tenji’s classroom]
Mizato: "As for the rest of you, it’s Sensei, or Cazuragi-san. Is that understood?"
Class: "Yes, Sensei!"
Thus, in one deft move, she has made it clear who is in charge.
End Flag02 = 1}
{If Flag02 = 0
Teacher: "Well then, Tenji, what is your excuse for being half an hour late?"
Huh, what can I tell her?
[Blank black screen]
That I am really messed up inside, because I haven’t been able to get over my girlfriend’s passing away?
That I am prone to spacing out, withdrawing deeper and deeper into my own private thoughts?
That I am afraid to open up my true feelings to others, because I don’t want to get hurt again?
Teacher: “Tenji-kun, are you feeling OK?”
[Foreground: Mizato standard picture, eyes worried, lips unhappy]
[Background: Tenji’s classroom]
Tenji: "Huh?"
When I wake up from my reveries, I notice that my eyes have become very moist. In fact, dangerously moist!
Oh my god! If I cry in front of the whole class¬Ö I don’t even want to imagine the consequences!
Teacher: "Tenji-kun?"
I’ve got to come up with an excuse, now! Think, Tenji, think.
Tenji: “Ha ha, it’s funny, my eyes have been bothering me all morning long due to my allergies. Oh, that’s right, that’s why I was so late getting to school today. I am deeply sorry.”
[Foreground: Mizato standard picture, eyes standard, lips smile]
[Background: Tenji’s classroom]
Teacher: "If you say so, Tenji-kun. Since you were late, you missed my introduction to the class. I’m Mizato Cazuragi, your homeroom teacher for class 3-A. I want you to know that you can come to me anytime you need someone to talk to, alright?"
Tenji: "Thank you, Sensei."
Mizato: "Just Mizato is fine."
Tenji: "Uh, thank you, Mizato."
I don’t think my excuse fooled anyone, least of all Sensei. But she is a very kind woman, not pushing me to fess up, and I had to summon all my strength to fight back more tears.
End Flag02 = 0}
[Tenji’s classroom]
Afterwards, Sensei went through the usual administrative details. But I was still in shock over what had just happened, so I didn’t really pay much attention to it. When I finally recovered from my daze, the class has started to do self-introductions.
[This message has been edited by BigRocket (edited 04-23-2002).]
