Tokimeki Check-in fanfic ending, would you be interested

Visual Novel Community Archive, 2000-2009
#1

I finished all the best endings in TCI, and my overactive fantasy took over again, and tought up an other one, one some of us might like to have seen.

It’s currently a work in progress, and most of it is still inside my brain, I still have to work it out properly and make it fitting with the actual storyline(s) in TCI to make it work, especially with the personalities of the girls and how they react to sertain situations.

The start would actually be at a point similar to most best endings during the last night that girls(or most of them) are there, aka when they have sex before they leave the next day, starting off with a line of though by Takayuki reflecting back on what happend untill that point.
I’m gonna write it in the style of the game, so no more then 4 lines, then a whiteline, then repeat.
4 lines or less without a name above it, means a line of thought from Takayuki, with name something some one is actually saying, just like in the game.
I’m going to include all the moans, grunts and other sound Takayuki and the girls make, so it won’t be too hard to imagine what happens.
It also will be somewhat longer then the real endings.

The following is a small part from one of the scenes, note that I removed the names of the 2 girls involved, and replaced it with things like her, she, the other girl, and they.
I did this because I don’t really wanna give away which 2 girls this concerns untill I have the entire story finished.
I’m also leaving a very small bit out, since it will tell the exact time this is playing, and will probebly reveal which girls this conserns, and I’ll leave out how they pronouce Takayuki’s name, nearly every girls pronouces his name slighty different, and that would really be giving it away.
So basically this is a teaser. :stuck_out_tongue:


------------

I put my head out of the water quick, gasping for air.
My back still turned to the person who pushed me into the bath, I heard one voice laughing, and another gigling, both female and very familiar.
I turned around to chide them both for doing that to me while I was doing them a favor.

I nearly fell down in the bath again, there they were both of them, completely naked, and not seeming to care that I saw it.
Thinking that they might have dropped their towels while pushing me in or laughing at my unvoluntary dip in the bath, I quickly looked around the bath floor, but there were no towels, they came here naked.

Tough getting aroused by seeing two of the most beautifull women in the world naked right in front of me, women I cared for deeply, a tiny voice in the back of my mind said that I might be in serious trouble if I didn’t say anything.

Takayuki:
"Uumm…do you know…that…?“

While pointing at them.

Suddenly her face turned serious.

Girl 1:
”…Takayuki…“

Takayuki:
”…yes?"

Girl 1:
"Since…you couldn’t deside…which one us you loved more…"

Oh man, I screwed up now, I told them I loved them both, and now they’ll probebly want to have sex with me, and make me deside that way, but I don’t want that, I care to much for both of them, to hurt one of them."

Girl 1
"So we desided…“

With this she looked up to the other girl.
A brigh blush appeared on both their faces.

Girl 1
”…that we can share you…“

Wow, did my ears hear that right?
They want to share me!?

Girl 2
”…And…“

Suddenly, and with a slightly nervous and trembling voice she spoke, while looking at the other girl.

Girl 2
”…we can share each other…"

Huh share each other?
What was that supposed to mean?

Just as I was about to ask, she opened her mouth.

Girl 1
"We…"
explenation left out, just to tease you guys so you don’t know who the girls are

So does this mean they did it?

I got the answer to that question as quicly as to the previous one.

The moved slowly, but nervously towards eachother, putting their hands together.

No, they definatly never have been together naked in the sexual sence.

Their bodies came together, and their breasts pressed into eachother.
Then they kissed.

This went more naturally, though still a bit hesistantly, the probebly have done it only a few times before.

I stood frozen as I watched this scene.
Unable to move or do anything else.

Then they broke their kiss, and after a short look to each other they stepped into the bath I was still standing in.

With their free hand, the each grabbed one of mine, and with their eyes invited me to join their kiss while we sat down in the hot bath.

--------------


So tell me what you think, and if you want me to finish the entire story and post it here.

[This message has been edited by BF (edited 11-21-2002).]

[This message has been edited by BF (edited 11-21-2002).]

#2

very interesting beginning…i would definately like to read it in its entirety…i think i know who the girls are though

#3

nice start. I also think I know who they are. would like to see how you end it.

#4

Thanks, still working on it, will take a few days to finish.

Also this isn’t the actual start, it’s a bit further in, I just picked a slightly more interesting piece to tease you all with.

Also it’s a rough draft, there are still some slight things I want to change to give it a better TCI feel to it

PS. I wish I could draw manga, especially good enough to copy the original artist that did TCI, the scenes I’m seeing in my mind…hehehe

#5

if the two girls are the ones i think they are, then this fanfic makes perfect sense, woodelf

#6

Ahhh! I think, you’re writing the ending, that really is missing in the game.

I think, it’s quite obvious, which are the two girls. Please, go on! In turn, I would offer you any review, you’d like to read…

#7

I think that most of the people here would give you their blessings if you wanted to make a TCI fanfic. I would, in any case … I myself have some plans on making a Slave Bazaar fanfic, but yet the ideas’s still juat in my head, since I’ve been too busy to actually writte down anything. But I’ve got a few ideas for a Slave Bazaar fanfic, yes .

But if you do a fanfic, why not submit it to a few fanfic sites around the net? In that case, we’d be spreading the knowledge of Peach Princess

#8

I would love to spread the word of Peach Princess around the net, sadly I don’t know any fanfic sites to post on.
Also, to understand the story from where I’m starting it, you need to have played it once getting atleast the Tranquil Days ending, and prefrebly getting all the girls best endings.

And I wonder if you guys really know who the two girls are, an observant reader might be able to see it trough the way the act and talk.

I’m gonna give one hint most people probebly realized, it’s not Misato and Keiko, and that’s all you’re gonna get out of me.


PS. I’m not gonna reply to any guesses about who the girls are, but maybe you can figure it out amoungst yourselves…hehehe…

#9

Entry deleted because of too heavy spoilers
mailed to BF instead, hoping the email-address works

[This message has been edited by Unicorn (edited 11-22-2002).]

#10
quote:
Originally posted by BF:
I would love to spread the word of Peach Princess around the net, sadly I don't know any fanfic sites to post on.

There's lots of fanfiction-sites around the net, you just have to find those. But where you should post/send the story to, depends on on how... uh, adult the story is going to be [img]http://princess.cybrmall.net/ubb/biggrin.gif[/img].

#11

Unicorn that address works, but I won’t get it till Sunday evening, I’m at my parents place now, and that address is for my appartment, which is of a different provider then here so I can’t get access to it.

This brings me to the next issue, as I’m at my parents place, I can’t write this story totally freely, since anyone can basically walk into this room, and they do, there are 2 net capable comps here, both with cable, and it’s not uncommon for both of them to be used.
So I’m forced to write the general outline only, and add all the “details” when I get back to my appartment.
Also TCI is at my appartment, so I’m stuck without my reference material as well.

I’ll just have to keep most in my mind and work it out properly Sunday evening and beyond, hopefully somewhere next week it will be done, but don’t hold me to that.

So a really small spoiler to make up for this, the story will be divided up in 3 different periods:
1. The timeperiod that you play the game (which the above teaser is a part of)
2. Something one year later.
3. The actual ending.

#12
quote:
Originally posted by BF:
This brings me to the next issue, as I'm at my parents place, I can't write this story totally freely, since anyone can basically walk into this room, and they do, there are 2 net capable comps here, both with cable, and it's not uncommon for both of them to be used.
So I'm forced to write the general outline only, and add all the "details" when I get back to my appartment.

Don't rush this, because if I guessed right, you are going to write a brilliant fanfic.
Just make sure, it really comes out the way, you think it should, before making it public available.

Good luck! I am looking forward to reading your completed story.

Have a nice weekend,
Unicorn

#13
quote:
Originally posted by BF:
1. The timeperiod that you play the game (which the above teaser is a part of)
2. Something one year later.
3. The actual ending.

BTW: These new hints confirm my suspicions.

#14

Hehe, you don’t even know what kind of stuff I got set up for that year later part.

Also I like writing stories, so it’s not gonna be all sex trough the story, I want to make that clear.
It’s gonna be like TCI, story, sex, and humor.

Also if you want to mail me Unicorn, just change the provider address in that orignal mail to @home.nl, my name is the same.

[This message has been edited by BF (edited 11-22-2002).]

#15

Not really, but that would really make it my mom wonder, she knows I prefer to write my school stuff on the comp, and beyond that I haven’t written much till now, if I suddenly start writing something big on paper, even if its a rough outline, she’s gonna wonder what it is.

#16

I’m more worried that she’s gonna try and sneak a peek when I’m not there.

And I don’t really think she would like what she would be reading.

#17
quote:
Originally posted by woodelf:
Gasp ... Has everybody forgotten what a pencil and a notebook is for?

...uh, I'm sorry, you lost me. Pencil?

#18
quote:
Originally posted by woodelf:
Gasp ... Has everybody forgotten what a pencil and a notebook is for?

Huh? Pencil? notebook? What's that? Please, enlighten us! [img]http://princess.cybrmall.net/ubb/biggrin.gif[/img].

just kidding [img]http://princess.cybrmall.net/ubb/smile.gif[/img]. I just think everyone think it's better to use a computer for that. i think it's kind of good, for thanks to that, no one can notice my horrible handwriitng...

ARRGGHH! Those two twins! *mumbles* *I should teach them to have respect for then senpai's... yes, I should...*

#19
quote:
Originally posted by BF:
Also I like writing stories, so it's not gonna be all sex trough the story, I want to make that clear.
It's gonna be like TCI, story, sex, and humor.

I hoped so, because a pure porn story would only raise the prejudices against bishoujo games.

(And providing prejudices is Mr. [url=smith@ign.com]smith@ign.com[/url]'s job!) [img]http://princess.cybrmall.net/ubb/wink.gif[/img]

#20
quote:
Originally posted by Unicorn:
I hoped so, because a pure porn story would only raise the prejudices against bishoujo games.

(And providing prejudices is Mr. [url=smith@ign.com]smith@ign.com[/url]'s job!) [img]http://princess.cybrmall.net/ubb/wink.gif[/img]

So true, so true...