Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From Bishoujo Games

Visual Novel Community Archive, 2000-2009
#1

Trying to compile a list of all the silly things about Bishoujo Games, but I’m lacking ideas here. Help? (This is to be a place to laugh at your own hobby.)

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001: Men have no eyes. This detail is conceled by them wearing their hair long enough to fall over the front of their faces.

002: Many men have invisible cocks. Nevertheless, women instintively know where it is when reaching down there. Among other things they do.

003: Semen looks an awfully lot like vanilla pudding. Apparently tastes like it too, given that women like to swallow, even if it’s their first time.

004: Incest doesn’t exist. Even if you’re dating your mom, or having sex with your sister, it’s okay, because in a plot twist, you were actually adopted, or some other way that makes it okay.

005: If you are in an enviroment (schools, hospitals, restraunts, hotels, etc) with many girls, it is inevitable that you will have sex with most of them, and find true love with one of them. No matter how incompant, inept, or incorrigable, they will draw straws if need be to have a chance to sleep with you.

#2

[Gacked from “The Laws of Hentai”, with minor modifications]

007: All men are capable of dispensing a gallon of semen per scene.

008: All men are capable of pleasing 3-10 women at once.

009: Female teachers are the horniest, randiest, and most sex crazed women in the world.

010: Note the hair color of each character. The ones with red hair usually have a bad temper, and the ones with Blue hair are all shy.

011: The law of gravity can be bent. When a big-breasted woman is lying on her back, her breasts will stay in the upright position.

012: When a woman’s clothes are removed, her breasts WILL become 3 times bigger than when her clothes were still on.

013: All men recover from a strong orgasm in mere seconds to minutes.

014: Shy, wallflower virgins are sex-crazed nymphs waiting to be awakened by their first sex act.

#3

Thought up of more:

015: STDs don’t exist. There is no such thing. Not even if you had sex with every single girl and woman in a school, hospital, restraunt, etc.

016: Birth Control, in general, and Condoms in particular are not necessary. Noone every gets pregnant, unless it’s the ending. Whether this is a good or bad ending is dependent upon the writer’s whim.

017: There is no such thing as impotance, nor is there premature ejaculation.

018: All women are 18 years old. Even if they look 12, she’s 18. Even your younger sister, and you just turned 18.

019: The woman is always satisfied. Even if you’re a hidious 200 ft tall tentacle demon, and she was the virgin sacrifice. ESPCIALLY if you’re a 200 ft tall tentacle demon and she’s the virgin sacrifice.

020: The most elastic substance known on earth (and possibly several other planets, depending on game) is a woman’s vagina.

#4

021: Nobody ever gets mad when they find out that you sleep around with 4-5 women.

022: An erect penis is usually referred to as a "soaring cock"

023: The hero’s penis is always huge if not freakishly huge while others are small.

024: The men never talk during foreplay or sex. The only time they do talk is to say "I’m coming"

025: Men never have any guy friends or they usually never see them.

#5

Oops, forgot this one…

026: Every guy is an orphan. If not, then they have some reason to not have any biologically related parents around. (ie: away at college, on travel, etc.)

#6
quote:
Originally posted by Vaga42Bond:
Oops, forgot this one...

026: Every guy is an orphan. If not, then they have some reason to not have any biologically related parents around. (ie: away at college, on travel, etc.)

Ya. and thats well enough. cause the guy probably couldn't do all those things with his parents around

#7
  1. No one actually does any work. They may be employed, but unless someone is a coworker of the main character’s they have no job and exist only to pop in randomly and have wacky/sexy hijinx.

    28. An older one, but still valid from time to time. If you are surrounded by women, rest assured you will have sex with them all. One at a time. In order. No one ever wants to have sex twice, except at the end of the game, and no one tries to interfere when you’re hitting on the next one in line - and if they do, they don’t try hard enough.

    29. No one ever makes slaves do actual work. (See rule 27.) Slaves are there for people to have sex with, and you wouldn’t want to tire them out.

    30. Every girl you meet is either not available, or after you. Even if they want to kill you at first. Sometimes the ones that are NOT available want you anyway. The only exceptions are little kids (unless you play THOSE kind of games X_X).

    [This message has been edited by Nandemonai (edited 03-28-2004).]

#8
  1. All girls involved in a threesome will have no previous lesbian experience and will still be experts in performing oral sex on the other.

    32. Females in schoolgirl/bunny girl/nurse/nun/ALL uniforms will have sex in some form or fashion unless they are overweight or a joke character.

    33. All males will have sex with at least 3 women before they finally have sex with the woman they love or desire most.

    34. When a woman is caught committing adultery it is usually with another woman and the male usually joins in.

    35. When a woman catches her spouse in adultery with another woman she usually joins in, unless it is part of the plot for her to be angry.

    36. All females, no matter how inexperienced or the size of the penis, can give an expert blowjob.

    37. If there are two characters that dislike each other, they will have sex.

    38. If there are two characters that hate each other, they will have sex.

    39. If there are two characters that, in a million years, would NEVER have sex, they will have sex.

    40. If there are two characters that have repressed feelings for each other, they will suddenly realize the other loves them and then have sex.

    41. If two characters are simply friends, they will have sex.

    42. If two characters are strangers who meet on the road, somewhere down the line they will have sex.

    43. If one character is involved with another character, they will secretly want a third character and will later have sex with that third character. Either individually or at the same time. Or both.

    44. If there is a sexually repressed character anywhere in the series, they will observe or take part in a sexual act and immediately become a sex-starved individual.

    44a. If that character is a boy, he will have sex with the person he either hates the most or secretly harbors feelings for.

    44b. If that character is a girl, she will become a sex-starved nymph and have sex with everyone in sight, unless she harbors feelings for another character, in which case she will simply become that character’s personal sex toy.

    45. If there is a quiet, shy character, she will follow a similar path as the sexually repressed character. However, if a boy is shy and quiet, he will have a large penis.

    46. Every boy will have a large penis.

    47. All girls will be virgins.

    48. All girls who aren’t virgins will have more experience than a Times Square hooker.

    49. Orgasms will always be the most intense in recorded history, but only if the two having sex are true loves.

    50. If the orgasm is not the most intense in recorded history, the female will experience multiple orgasms.

    [This message has been edited by Jeffrey (edited 03-28-2004).]

#9

Heh. Great thread. It’s a tad scary that we’ve found 51 things to have a humourous dig at. Oh wait…

52. As a male you will be familiar with a cute girl, a shy girl, a short-tempered (with optional violent tendencies) girl, a bland girl-next-door type, a sex mad nymph and…nobody else. At all. Okay, maybe an uncle.

53. Simultaneous orgasm isn’t the exception, it’s the norm.

#10
quote:
Originally posted by Interzone:
Heh. Great thread. It's a tad scary that we've found 51 things to have a humourous dig at. Oh wait...

Actually, I think it's more than a little disturbing...not that I'm complaining... [img]http://princess.cybrmall.net/ubb/wink.gif[/img]

#11
  1. There will always be at least one child-hood friend. ALWAYS.

    I’m starting to get tired of it…

#12
quote:
Originally posted by ekylo:
Actually, I think it's more than a little disturbing...not that I'm complaining... [img]http://princess.cybrmall.net/ubb/wink.gif[/img]

I'm not disturbed yet, we have a lot of wierdos here [img]http://princess.cybrmall.net/ubb/tongue.gif[/img] when we reach 100 then I'll be impressed or disturbed [img]http://princess.cybrmall.net/ubb/wink.gif[/img]

#13
  1. Anal sex is always as good as regular sex if not better.

    56. After a girl experiences her first anal sex, she would actually prefer anal sex over regular sex.

    57. After having an anal sex with you, they would give you a blowjob without forcing you to wash your penis.

    58. When a girl urinates in the middle of a sexual intercourse, it is assumed that it’s caused by the pleasure you are giving her and not because she really needs to use the restroom.

    59. When a girl urinates during the sex, you will not only continue doing it but will have one of the most intense sexual experiences ever taken place.

    60. If the girl were to be a virgin, her first sexual intercourse always involves her bleeding in pain at first then screaming in joy later. Her pain disappears in the matter of minutes.

    61. Every girl you meet would want to give you a blow-job and would find the dick VERY tasty.

    62. Most er…VERY experienced girls would have a very pure/innocent heart and she would only allow you to see it.

    63. Your sister is always in love with you.

    64. Your cousin is always in love with you.

    65. Your mother is always in love with you.

    66. Your brother is always in love with you. (Yaoi games ^_^)

    67. You never see your father. Well, most of the time anyway.

    68. After being raped, the girl usually falls for her rapist.

    69. Each girl’s moanig is basically the same.

    70. You will never get busted for having an outdoor sex.

    71. If you are to get busted for having an outdoor sex, the person who busts you would usually end up having sex with the girl or join you.

#14

Thankfully 33 often isn’t the case in the games that get translated…

But how about:
72: No male has any blood relatives. Girls are allowed to have sisters, as long as they both end up naked. See also 63 and 04.
73: Taboos exist to be broken.
74: Skirts exist to reveal panties.
75: All girls wear ribbons in their hair!
76: Sex won’t wake up anybody, even if they’re sleeping in the same room and the couple are screaming.

#15
quote:
Originally posted by Noirbo:
66. Your brother is always in love with you. (Yaoi games ^_^)

The topic was "Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From BISHOUJO Games..."

I'd be horribly disturbed if I encountered a Brother in a Bishoujo Game, let alone one that was 'interested' in me.

[img]http://princess.cybrmall.net/ubb/rolleyes.gif[/img]

[This message has been edited by Vaga42Bond (edited 03-29-2004).]

#16
quote:
Originally posted by Vaga42Bond:

I'd be horribly disturbed if I encountered a Brother in a Bishoujo Game, let alone one that was 'interested' in me.

i think in my life i have encounted at least 2 bishoujo games that lets you go for a guy...

#17
quote:
Originally posted by Lamuness:
i think in my life i have encounted at least 2 bishoujo games that lets you go for a guy...

/is suitibly frightened.

077: Everyone is more flexible than a professional contortionist and 3 times world limbo champion.

#18

78: Whenever someone asks me a question, I can sit there for hours considering the best answer and they won’t mind or indeed notice
79: …And yet if there’s something I have to say to someone, I won’t say it at the first eight opportunities to avoid widespread confusion by so doing

#19

Shifting focus to our hero,

080: He’s a total slacker who either spends his school days asleep at his desk or on the cot in the nurse’s office.

081: He has never owned or used a comb in his life.

082: The only dishes he knows how to make are ramen and curry rice.

083: If he’s carrying any incriminating evidence, he’ll find the most inopportune moment to drop it where everyone can see it.

084: He’s unable to express feelings for girls, other than to deliver mildly suggestive or insulting remarks.

085: Whenever he shows a normal, healthy interest in sex or notices a girl’s physical attractiveness, he is immediately labelled a pervert. He never argues that having an interest in sex is normal.

086: Only after the girl of his dreams has repeatedly expressed her undying love for him, can he work himself up to saying he “likes” her.

087: Not only will he forget the most important day of his miserable life, he’ll come up with the lamest excuse and make sure no one believe it.

088: If he finally succeeds in getting a date with his main love interest, he’ll also arrange a conflicting date with someone he has little or no interest in. He’ll either keep the date with the girl he cares for least or stand both of them up.

089: He usually has a cute younger sister who falls in love with the most dangerous or unappealing male character in the story.

#20

090: The extent of a girl’s cooking skills is inversely proportional to the amount of confidence she has in it.

091: If a girl serves food for the first time, she will be extremely confident about it, she will not have tasted it herself, and the guy eating it will either immediatly pass out or become violently ill.

[This message has been edited by AG3 (edited 03-30-2004).]