quote:
Originally posted by Asutaru:
Well, what brought this up was my thoughts at 3am, my recent inability to give a good advice, and what's more, asking for advice to give to this person. Now then, the story is as goes, picture your typical 23 years old male, carefree, he is just dating, nothing serious, he just wants to have some fun, but then.... he meets a woman, his age, cute, smart, a bit of poetry on her veins, and they both date each other for quite a few months, both of them and I hang out together a few times,4 times to be exact, they both date for a while, problem is, guy is just not... connecting with her,he likes her, some physical attraction is there, some feelings are there, but to him something is missing, and he decides to break up with her.
And that should be it, right?
Well, no, the girl is broken hearted and calls me, we've gotten along from the few times we've met, and I try to comfort her, but my words make little effect, this happened 3 times, I tell him about our encounters, but he just shrugs all of this, after all just made up with his ex-GF.
I don't hear from her after a bit, my friend and I hang out as usual.
And that should be it? right?
What I havent told you before is that she really fell in love with him, and she felt devastated after losing him, and she looked otherwise for comfort, for love...
She met an adequate guy (her exact words) wich was only to help her forget my friend ( also her words)
All is good so far, right? well...
she becomes pregnant of "adequate" guy, to her surprise, she recieves no support from her family, she is actually expelled from her house (gotta love her "traditional" parents) she goes to live with her sister, and spends her savings on having the baby, but meanwhile she informs adequate guy of her pregnancy, he says, that while he has no intention of marrying her, he will give his name to the kid and look for him economically.
Problem is adequate guy, dies at the seventh month of pregnacy, guy's family doesn't want to hear anything from her at all. She leaves that family for good.
Pregnancy problems arise, she is close to losing her baby, she barely makes it, the problem is the baby had some breathing problems while on the uterus, he stays on intensive care for a week, but he results with what seems to be some permanent brain damage.
*urghh*
Anyway, maybe the story was too long, but heck I had to tell the whole thing to get it out of my chest.
Now, as for the original question, the guy feels guilty about how he treated her, because, well, it was pretty shitty how he broke up with her,he feels guilty becuase his actions send her to adequate guy arms, wich I personally think is true.
As for the second point, he actually feels pity for her, broke, having to take her of her kid and his treatment, being alone.
And well, he wants to marry her, out of guilt and pity, he never had any real love for her and this is where I gave you that question, would you have a relationship out of guilt or pity?
And simply I think I'm the least apropiate person to give advice, given my current situation... but hey that's for another 3am post [img]http://princess.cybrmall.net/ubb/tongue.gif[/img]
And I really want to give him some good advice, but I don't know what to say.
What is your view on all this?
[This message has been edited by Asutaru (edited 12-15-2002).]
One sentence answer: The entire situation is completely FUBAR.
Of course, this is true. The situation IS messed up. This is also a useless answer, because it doesn't answer the question, so I shall try to pound something out.
There are many issues here, and many of them are more or less irrelevant or only tangentially relevant. I'll have to simplify this down before I can make up my mind here.
Exactly how she wound up with the kid isn't his problem. It's not his child. If he feels like it is his responsibility she had the kid, then fine; but she IS responsible for her own actions. She could have easily avoided becoming pregnant (birth control). She could have opted for an abortion. She could give the child up for adoption (although that is not the best option for the child).
That she chose to enter the relationship with the adequate man was her decision, not his, and if it was a bad one then it was her bad decision. It is true that it most likely would not have been made had he not broken up with her, but he could not reasonably have foreseen this convoluted sequence of consequences. In fact breaking up with her in the first place was probably a foolish act, but it was sort of well intentioned in an odd way.
If he feels like he wants to help her out, then he should examine real hard whether it is because he feels guilty about it, or whether it is because he likes her enough that seeing her in trouble makes him want to help. If it is the latter, then I would say he does like her, he just doesn't know it, and entering a relationship for that reason is fine. If he just feels guilty, then I would advise against it. Guilt can eventually turn to resentment, especially if he really does feel no strong attachment to her, and that would be A Bad Thing.
There is one other dimension to this: what does she want? Would she want to be with him, knowing he doesn't love her? If she doesn't care whether he loves her or not, and she just wants to be with him...then it's just not as big a deal as if she abhorred the thought of being dealt with that way.
And finally, he does NOT have to marry her if all he wants to do is help her out and support the kid. That is NOT the only option here. He can come by on the weekends, for instance, and give her money. He can hire someone to take care of the child while she works. There are many options that don't involve actually marrying her.
...I suppose what I have to say is, he should think about whether or not he really does like her. I don't know any of the people involved here but it sounds to me like maybe he does like her, but just didn't give it enough time. If there wasn't that "spark", if he felt like something was missing...maybe it just needed more time. And this might be a good chance to find out. Falling in love with someone is, at least to me, knowing someone so well that they are (more or less) a part of you. It does NOT just *happen*. Anyone who thinks it does isn't talking about real love.
Of course I have never been in a relationship with anyone, and I have never wanted to be in a relationship with anyone, and so I have no idea what I'm talking about. But you said you didn't either, so here's my two bucks (I wrote a bit much for it to be my two cents).