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Originally posted by ladyphoenix:
and here's an interesting twisty question for you all....and an update on my situation...he tried ot break up with me again tonight and we had a huge discussion and eventualyl worked things out and are ok, but he laid a big bomb on me...i'd like to know if you guys agree with him, or he is just nuts...first of all, he says he cares about me as more than a friend SOMETIMES, he is generally happy with me and loves spending time with me, we have great physical chemistry, and there's no reason he can think of why he should want to leave me, he just has a 'gotta get outta this' feeling that doesn't make any kind of sense....does this sound like committment or fear issues on his part or does this sound liek there's no hope for us? i personally interpret it as things are developing slowly and he's scared cause he has been hurt before
Keep in mind that I am pulling all of this out of my ass. Keep in mind that I have never had a significant other nor ever had interest in seeking one out.
This does not sound like a commitment issue or a fear issue. If they really were commitment issues, I doubt he would have said it so obviously. And if it was fear-motivated, I doubt he would have brought it up. (Although, this did only come up via a breakup attempt...)
If I had to hazard a guess, and again this is completely out of my ass...
It sounds like depression. If I am understanding you correctly, then he really does like you. And he knows you really like him. Thus attempting to break up sounds like self-destructive behavior to me. If I had to give an opinion (and since you asked, and you're a friend of mine, I do have to give it), I would say that either he thinks so low of himself (and ironically enoug, the fact that he's so depressed would contribute here) that he wants to get away from you to "protect" you, or he unconsciously is directly inflicting pain on himself and is too depressed to notice what it's doing to you.
In either case, this would be my advice:
1) You are not a therapist. Well, I mean, you could be one, I don't know you, but even if you were you're too close to him for therapy to work. Don't try to fix it, and CERTAINLY don't tell him this or anything like this. And don't tell him he needs therapy either--I pulled this out of my ass, remember, and not only could I be wrong, but even if I'm dead on he probably won't like being told he needs mental help.
2) Don't break up with him until it literally is to the point where he is going to drag you down with him (at which point you can't help him anyway).
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second, he said that he wants to know when things upset me....the way i work usually, is when something upsets me, i think about it for a while and decide if it is worth being upset about, then if it is, i think some more about how to reasonably and rationally talk about it, then i will talk about it....this usually results in me talking about the thing about a week later and most of the time seeming like nothing bothers me, because i usually decide that 90% of stuff isn't worth being upset about....he says he wants to know when something initially upsets me, not to blow up or anything, but to kind of go "OK, this pisses me off I am gonna go think about it now" and to let him in a little more when i get depressed or upset about something...he told me i am like a vulcan and he feels like he could come up and punch me in the face and it wouldn't bug me and it's freaky...
what do you think? cause i am totally floored by that....i spent years in therapy trying to learn how to beh ealthy and reasonable and rational and now he says i am TOO rational
[This message has been edited by ladyphoenix (edited 08-12-2002).]
Umm...I think I can see where he's coming from--immediate feedback is better than feedback a week later.
But being 21, and remembering pretty accurately what I used to be like when I was a teenager (read: a moron), I can say this: people get upset about the damnedest stupidest things that, even a short while later, make no sense to them at all. I know *I* did, and I used to occasionally just blow up and then have to apologize for it later. Not getting ticked off is better.
Of course, I also dealt with being made fun of in grade school by learning that most people can be safely ignored and thus living in my own little world, so my social skills aren't anything you want to base an opinion off of.
So, umm, I guess my advice would be...controlling your emotions is better than the other way around, but getting back to your boyfriend a week later probably isn't exactly convenient for him.
